Phylis Diller – One Liner classics

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

• -Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

• -Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

• -The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

• -Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

• -A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

• -I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them

• -Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

• -Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

• -We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

• -Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

• -What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

• -The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

• -His finest hour lasted a minute and a half

• -Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

• -My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

• -I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

• -Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children

• -I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

• -The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

• -You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type

- I went out with a Dutch Girl last Night ….. everything was going fine until “SHE POPPED HER CLOGS!!”

SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, Sir?"S hocked, I answered, "Yes."They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's when I finally understood why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Life before computers:

An application was for employment …………………..An enter key allowed access to your house …..A programme was a TV show …………….A cursor used profanity…………… …..A monitor was a kind of lizard……….A keyboard was a piano ,,,,,,, ,A virus was the flu …………A tablet was used to cure illness …………… A web was a spider's home ………….A file was used to shape your nails ……A hard drive was a long trip on the road ……………..A mouse pad was where a mouse lived ………….And memory was something you lost with age

Johnny asks Cathy: Would you like to pose to me? Naked? Yes! I must tell you that I'm not a model. So what, says Johnny "I'm not a painter."

Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men? It changes your blood group

WHY??? • If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

• Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

• If poison expires; is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

• Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?

• Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

• Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

• Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

• The word "swims" upside down is still "swims".

• Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win. • 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

• If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

• Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

• If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day"

Kids comments on Grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

A4 paper ALWAYS needed...!!! for the THE HOUSE OF PLANK. Just call in and plonk it in the office!! .. c/o Unit 5, Castle Park Arts Centre, FRodsham ,., AND A BIG THANKS TO THOSE FOLKS THAT DID GIVE ME SOME A4 paper last month!! IT is much appreciated. .. JP

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat. I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

• • A father put his 4 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The Father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. Buddy, my long time golf instructor, dropped dead at the country club, in the middle of my lesson."

Evidently Jeremy Corbin has been injured by a cow whilst out collecting more bullshit for the Labour Party.

You can say what you like When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

I was talking to a young woman last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”; I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”; Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy..............who cares? **********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re over seventy................who cares? **********

I saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but.... When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

********** A Classic bit of Satire !!! whoever wrote this has a funny sense of humour … ENJOY!!!!

A Ravenfield (Rotherham) pensioner has fulfilled a lifetime ambition by correctly choosing the fastest moving queue at his local supermarket. Retired maths teacher, Arthur Potts was shopping at the Morrisons store in Parkgate last Thursday when the seemingly impossible happened. “Just like every week,” he said “I tried to estimate the speed of every queue by juggling a complex mental algorithm encompassing the number of people waiting, their age and demographic, the volume of shopping in each basket, and potential delay factors presenting themselves such as pushchairs, disability scooters and general signs of crippling indecision and nebulous incompetence. I picked my queue and went for it, not expecting much.” His voice quivering with emotion, and with what our reporter swears was a tear in his eye, Arthur went on to tell us what happened next. “It was incredible” he said. “The first two trolleys in front went through without a hitch, but I was a bit worried about the third because it was a big scruffy looking bloke with a lot of marked down crap and two for ones. But it went like a dream. Sandra didn’t have to be despatched to the other side of the shop to get a price, there were no busted boxes that necessitated Tyrone trooping off to replace them, and there was no argument over whether the Scotch Eggs could be included in a miserable meal deal for two. The big scruffy bloke didn’t fumble about for his credit card for five, minutes, forget his pin number or drop the contents of his wallet on the floor. He didn’t even fish out a fistful of rotten coupons at the last minute and the icing on the cake – he didn’t know the woman on the checkout, and so didn’t spend ten minutes bringing her up to speed on the progress of his kids school exclusion order, his wife’s dispute with the benefits office or his mother’s haemorrhoids. Right at the end it could still have gone pear shaped if the bloke had displayed the all-too-familiar packing skills of a Parkinson’s sufferer wearing cricket wicket keeping gloves, but he was fine. Surprisingly dextrous for a big man, in fact. The suckers in the other queues were all left eating my dust. As a bonus, my second choice queue had ground to a halt altogether after some clumsy git had dropped a bottle of Sunny Delight and they’d put a cone out and sent for a mop. I allowed myself a little smile when I saw that.” Arthur has just one ambition left now, “I just want to buy something again without someone asking if I’ve got a flamin' store card,” he said!!. “That would be wonderful.” The Bugle tried to speak to checkout operator, Irene Blower, who was partially responsible for helping Arthur fulfil his ambition, but we were unsuccessful. When we approached her at the checkout she said “Sorry love I’m just about to go on my break” and cleared off.

The Ramblings of an Old Mind.......

• I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

• Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

• Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... ‘Look Paddy .... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found …an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel…She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today? ’She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day? ”Yes,” was his incredulous reply. She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.