Nothing Like A Ford Truck I bought a new Ford F 150 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It'll run on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. ‘Nelson', the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued, and 'On The Road Again’ came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, ‘Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs. Well, yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'A**hole!' Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States.”

• We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

• Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton, American actor/writer

• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

• I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them". ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

• I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. (Anonymous)

• What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!! (Anonymous)


Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? *The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? *Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands

Q12. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Some people follow Confucius, others swear by the philosophical insights of Plato or Sartre. Why not study the songs of Elvis Presley instead? Taken as a whole, they contain everything from handy tips about geography ("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodation), right through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve"). Herewith the 30 things I've learned about life from listening to Elvis.


1. The typical train is 16 carriages long.

2. All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.

3. The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.

4. Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.

5. A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.

6. So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting.

7. There are few sounds that make you feel lonelier than that of the midnight train.

8. If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis Tennessee.


1. When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn.

2. If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.

3. Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.

4. It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".

5. Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.

6. If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?

7. Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action.

8. A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.


1. If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection one's No. 1 priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.


1. There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.

2. A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.

3. The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.

4. A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit.


1. People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.

2. In the state of Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.


1. The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.

2. A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.

3. The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.


1. American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."


1. Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage.

2. A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.

3. If you suspect someone is evil, check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".

Now, show me one passage in Plato, Sartre or Confucius that can match all of that for depth, width and wisdom!

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, "stit ruoy su wohs".

If any British tourist is trapped abroad and unable to get a ticket onto Eurostar or the Calais ferry, do not worry. Just tell the French that you are a refugee with no experience in any trade, with a family of 12 and that you want free money. You'll be home in no time.

A4 paper ALWAYS needed...!!! for the THE HOUSE OF PLANK. Just call in and plonk it in the office!! .. c/o Unit 5, Castle Park Arts Centre, FRodsham ,., AND A BIG THANKS TO THOSE FOLKS THAT DID GIVE ME SOME A4 paper last month!! IT is much appreciated. .. JP


• • • • Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

The Italian Book Keeper :- A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! "The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about. "The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says "Ask him again or I'll kill. "The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house". The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say? "The lawyer replies, "He says "Get Lost YOU, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers?

• • • Isn't it odd how all fire engines are called Dennis?

• Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. (Billy Connely)

• "the only people who wear ties daily are male politicians, the male reporters who interview them – and dodgy estate agents". (Jeremy Paxman)

• "I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." - Joe E. Lewis

• Lou Holtz — 'Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.'

• "Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing." - G. M. Trevelyan

• "I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong." - Bertrand Russell

• Memorise quotes as they are useful and ending arguments - So are automatic weapons (Tony Detharidhe)

• Don't have sex . it may lead to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them (Steve Martin)


• You don't have to swim faster than the shark .. just faster than the guy next to you (Pete Benchley)

• If two wrongs don't make a right .. try three .. (Lawrence J Peter)

• If you are going to do something tonight that you will be sorry for tomorrow morning - then Sleep Late - (Henry Youngman)eies (John F Kennedy)

• Never pick a fight with an ugly person - Cos they have got nothing to lose (Robin Williams)

• If at first you don't succeed find out if the loser gets anything (William Lyon Phelps)

Dianne Abbott visited Vincent Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster. She told the Archbishop that Jeremy Corbyn would be attending the next day's Mass and she asked if the Archbishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jeremy a saint. The Archbishop replied, "No. I don't really like the man and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of his views." Abbott then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a donation of £250,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation that you see Jeremy as a saint." The Archbishop thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Abbott had indicated, Jeremy Corbyn appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Archbishop pointed out that Mr Corbyn was present. The Archbishop went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mr Corbyn's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Jeremy Corbyn is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Jeremy Corbyn is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He falsely obtained Union money and is using this wealth to lie to the British People. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations. The man is simply not to be trusted. The Archbishop concluded, "but, when compared with Dianne Abbott, Jeremy Corbyn is a saint."

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Frank can't find his wife. He goes up to a very attractive woman and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies, "Why?" Frank replies, "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

an art gallery, a woman and her 10-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one. “I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction. “No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, to cover the three holes I put in the wall.”

I telephoned the Vet to ask when I should take my three-month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?" "Demon," I replied. "Demon? That's an odd name," she said. "Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway." I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?" "Yes, it is." "You really don't like cats, do you?"

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”


Q. Which art movement, which started in Europe in the 14th century, takes its name from the French for ‘rebirth’? A. The Can-can

Q. In which 2015 TV drama did Mark Rylance play Thomas Cromwell? A. Downton Abbey

Q. In the medical specialism ENT, E stands for ear, N stands for Nose. What does T stand for? A. Testosterone

Q. Which famous vet wrote ‘It shouldn’t happen to a vet?’ A. Dr Doolittle

Q. The word ‘Blairite’ describes supporters of which prime minister? A. Pass

Q. Which former Labour party leader is the father of Stephen Kinnock, the MP for Aber A. Macbeth

Q. Which great-granddaughter of Henry VII rules England for nine days? A. Catherine the Great

Q. What arm of the Royal Navy is known as ‘The Silent Service’? A. The left one.

Q. What European capital city is named after the Greek goddess Athena? A. Er……. Rome?

Q. The Greek goddess of victory gives her name to which sports company? A. Puma

Q. The body of which monk was exhumed and burnt during the Russian revolution? A. Joan of Arc

Q. Which politician won his sixth Parliamentary Beard of the Year award in 2015? A. Diane Abbott.

Q. Name anyone from the Forbes 100 Most Powerful People in the World. A. Oh that’s an easy one…………Simon Cowell.

Q. Asteroid 4238 Audrey is named after which Hollywood actress? A. Kim Basinger.

Q. Which Prime Minister did Geri Halliwell call the first Spice Girl? A. John Major

Q. Which world leader did the CIA make over 600 attempts at assassinating, including one with an exploding cigar? A. It must be American. I’ll say Bill Clinton.

Q. Which Jane Austin title character had the maiden name Woodhouse? A. Literature really isn’t my strong point. I’ll have to say one of the Bront


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week for a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'............Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat. I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

A man is having his first proctologic exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and said the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. As he waited, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor appeared, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?” The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled to his nurse. “Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!”

On a first date, the young man thought he'd impress the young lady, a piano and voice teacher, by taking her to a karaoke bar. After going up and singing a song, and now feeling confident as ever, he thought he'd ask a music question to impress her even more. He asked her, "What key did I sing that in?" She replied, "Most of them."

Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island.

The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank.

The two Welshmen got together and started a choir.

The two Irishmen got together and started a fight.

The two Englishmen never spoke to each other as they hadn't been introduced.

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the swines were trying to pull. ............Fosters.